Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Yoga Matt
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot