I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495