I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You Might Also Like
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.