Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Pretty much. 🤣
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee