this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card