comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.