Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
ouch
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The honesty is refreshing
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I need a headline like this
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.