Worst perfume name ever.
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Yup….perfect score!
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate