You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.