[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
cats when you pet them too long:
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news