“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
You Might Also Like
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…