My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
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I鈥檓 sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She鈥檒l forget about it, but I鈥檓 still getting her one when she turns 16.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
i have no idea what鈥檚 going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
#merica
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
馃悎鈥嶁瑳馃槀馃枻
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven鈥檛 shouted at everyone in it?