My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!