Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
oppen heimer style lol
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres