I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
when someone compliments me
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.