I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
You Might Also Like
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
translated into Canadian
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.