“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
the short answer to this question
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
All generalizations are stupid.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Girl, same.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.