I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
#Caturday
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
📽️movie date🎞️
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.