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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
This forever.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.