20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.