Anime is real
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Oh yeah that’s it
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days