Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards