Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”