The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will