Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
A dad and his duck
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit