“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.