“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.