Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Need WebMD
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.