Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.