Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Passed by a old school Math example today.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…