[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
You Might Also Like
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.