Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.