I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?