Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
You Might Also Like
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.