Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
the official breakfast of 2021
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
whatcha thinkin bout
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Just parrot things
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.