me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.