Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
mentally somewhere in italy
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]