Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.