Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
omg leave her alone
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Respect
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Banking tips
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Yup
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET