Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Who says great literature is dead?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?