People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream