This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
These aliens are taking forever.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude