My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The asteroid..
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.