The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.