Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.