cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The booster protects against what, now?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.