“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”