Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.