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You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them