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hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
twitter users today:
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.