twitter users today:
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”