So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
what
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.